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Ahhhh Quiznos, it has been a minute since I made fun of your products or advertising campaigns. And with this new “Choose 2 for 5″ deal (which actually ain’t bad, kudos) with the slogan “Give up lunch monogamy! …One is Dumb! Two is TOASTY!” you can be sure that my habit of serial monogamy with regard to lunch food will soon come to an end. Thanks guys! Keep up the creative genius!! |
The City That Feeds
The Baltimore culinary landscape – without big words.
 They won't look like this. |
It came to my attention last Friday via Pork Magazine (wait what?) that Burger King will begin testing the addition of pork short ribs to their menu in several key markets. Dubbed “Fire-Grilled Ribs,” and a long term plan to offer the ribs in up to 3,500 of its locations in the U.S., it remains clear that Burger King wants us to all die a little sooner. |
The more fascinating aspect of these upcoming horrors of fast food is the fact that they will be bone-in; whereas the slightly less horrifying (but no less disgusting) McRib contains 100% less bones, the vision of a Burger King littered with rib bones left behind by ignorant customers is kind of – make that really – disgusting. And I guess functionally the bone litter is no different than any fried chicken joint, but quite frankly most of those places are disgusting out loud as well. So Rat’s Off To Ya, Burger King!! Can’t wait to not try this product!
| Alright Quiznos, you’re on the shit list. The last time I ate a sub at one of your franchises, it was a pile of poo poo pee pee, these new Torpedo sandwiches are laughable, and now THIS?!? |  |
Hell, Quiznos ads used to be sort of catchy (if not creepy) – little mice in outfits singing ridiculous songs and what not – now we’re down to a suggestively sexual toaster oven and a reference to a scat-eating video popularized by the internet?
I mean this video isn’t even funny or clever OR sexy, it’s literally just two girls “erotically” eating a Toasty Torpedo and making a mess of it. It does not in any way shape or form make me want to eat one of those stupid sandwiches. With pewp like this, it’s no wonder Subway is slaughtering Quizno’s in the franchise wars.
Here, I hope you like crap (slightly NSFW):
QUIIIZZZZNNOOOOOOOOSS!!! 
Due to something of a “Search Engine Demand,” I have decided to put together the nutrition information for all of Quizno’s Toasty Torpedos and assemble it into a handy .pdf format – enjoy!!
(I would recommend avoiding the Big Kahuna Tuna sandwich)
I mean, I enjoy Quiznos subs and all, despite the fact that they make it …difficult to find their nutrition information (in that, there is no comprehensive list of their data anywhere except via 3rd party sites) and their commercials have been historically ssstupid, but their newest venture has the one-two punch of being pretty lame and sounding super lame.
Duuuumb
Yup, you too can be one of the first to try a Toasty…. Torpedo. Torpedo. Coz like, a sub is too big, you know? And torpedoes are weapons shot out of subs, right? So this is like the weaponized version of a sandwich that got shot out of a larger mother sandwich. AWESOME.
Soak it in folks, this is the future of food. Slim, sleek bread (smaller size) and over a foot long (with less meat)! For only $4 – which by my count is a full dollar less than those jokers over at Subway who keep trying that $5 footlong gimmick – I mean, what a fad, am I right? Truly new and innovative – and ciabatta bread is soooooo fancy! I hear they even had it at Wendy’s at some point!
TORPEDO.
UPDATE!!! (2009-04-08) – Due to something of a “Search Engine Demand,” I have decided to put together the nutrition information for all of Quizno’s Toasty Torpedos and assemble it into a handy .pdf format – enjoy!!
(I would recommend avoiding the Big Kahuna Tuna sandwich)
Except now they’re called “Burger Shots.” Tiny little burgers in packs of three or six, more than likely you could eat them all in one mouthful. So basically, you get the equivalent of two burgers with twice the bread AND the cost!
Also Burger Shots? Pretty lame name if you ask me, especially considering they were “Burger Bundles” in 1987, and then “Burger Buddies” in the 90s. I suppose in another 8-10 years they’ll be “Burger Drops” or “Burger Flying Cars” or whatever timely rehash name they give them. Eh anyway, enjoy the timeline of rebranding!
Burger Bundles:
Burger Buddies:
Burger Shots:
FILE NOT FOUND – Burger King is apparently being dickholes and not allowing anyone to save the current iteration’s commercials to Youtube. Dicks. You can however find the commercial by going here.
| Jesus tapdancing christ, Burger King just doesn’t quit do they. Now you can install a Facebook application which beckons you to unfriend 10 people for a free Whopper. Most people I know have waaaaaaaaay too many friends on Facebook so this is probably something they can take advantage of. I happen to be one of those rarities that actually knows 99.9% of my Facebook friends, so I won’t be taking advantage. DON’T UNFRIEND ME OK |  |
| The McRib is a very curious sandwich. The mere mention of McRib, in conversation or when heard in any number of “THE MCRIB IS BACK!!!” commercials brings forth some sort of weird, unfounded glee.Which is weird, considering it’s really just a gross rib-shaped pork patty slathered in… delicious… BBQ sauce… with pickles and onions on a hogie style bun OH GOD I NEED ONE RIGHT NOW!
Fortunately, for those of us who desire the McRib and it’s crack-like qualities. There’s the McRib Locator, an rather ingenious use of Google Maps created by some guy who just seems to love McRibs. |
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That in and of itself is pretty amazing, but for me what makes the McRib mostly interesting is just what was said earlier; it evokes this weird sort of interest every time I hear about it. And oddly enough, it’s probably because they keep “getting rid of it” and then “bringing it back” for a promotional period every so often. According to the McRib’s wikipedia page (what?), it’s all been just a huge marketing ploy. At some point in time, the bigwig mucketymucks at McD Corp. realized that the McRib sells at its very best when it’s not a regular part of the menu, so they launch stupid ad campaigns and fake “SAVE THE MCRIB” petitions on websites that seem to change every year or so. The current incarnation of the online home for the McRib (http://www.mcrib.com – this single menu item even has its own website) features a ridiculous DJ that sings to you about how good the McRib is and provides a bunch of links to songs about the McRib on Pandora, a rather cheap cross promotion.
But I digress, McRibs remain awesome, so get out there and find a McRib, enjoy it, and revel in its unique position as the sandwich version of a stepchild that never quite fit in, but was pretty popular for a little while every time he showed up to a party.
I don’t really know why this exists, but apparently Hardee’s has decided to go all Metalokalypse in their efforts to give us coupons for hamburgers. But the coupon is pretty awesome, 2 for 1 burger of any kind. You even get to pick a Burger Slayer name, mine is Babby Killer the Burger Barbarian.
EDIT: Jesus wept, I just listened to the audio at home since it was off at work, and it’s probably one of the funniest things around. The theme song is hysterical… for like the first minute. After that it’s an audio abortion.
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