Food And Drink | The City That Feeds

Miracle Whip – Are you awesome enough?

For almost a year now, I’ve been marveling at Kraft’s relatively new Miracle Whip campaign – “Don’t be so Mayo.” The “hey guys be hip and individualistic by eating light mayonnaise” approach is …mind boggling, even during last October’s lamer than hell “Colbert vs. Miracle Whip” mini-campaign, the Colbert Bump couldn’t save Miracle Whip from looking as though it was trying far too hard to reinvent itself, impotently failing at making their zingy salad dressing look awesome enough to start a water balloon fight at a rooftop dance party (See below – Colbert previously and successfully made fun of Kraft for their hilariously awful commercial for crumbled cheese). At any rate, if you don’t know anything at all about what I’m talking about, check out Kraft’s plea to the young, hip, urban, vivacious salad eater in you:

And up until last week, Kraft was very happy to rest on its chic laurels; it had put out the message that zingy salad dressings are totally cool and mayonnaise is totally not cool, but something wasn’t quite… cool enough. Awesome enough. Something was just too… Plain. Too Mayo.

XTREME

Cue a plucky young genius art director at Kraft Foods, who raises his finger in the air and exclaims “SHIT YES! LET’S TILT THE LOGO AND ABBREVIATE IT!!” …And M to the W was born. For those not in the know, the simplest and greatest way to make any product or logo more modern and hip is to abbreviate and/or rotate the logo as much as possible. Reversing the process then renders it “retro” or “throwback.” Which ultimately is brilliant, as it renders the need for actually coming up with new designs unnecessary.

Congrats, Miracle Whip!

New Orleans: A food commentary – Part 2

Po Boys, Po Boys, Po Boys

Chances are pretty high that if you’re going to New Orleans and someone you know has already been there and you’re talking to them about New Orleans, they will say something to the effect of “OMG OMG G O JOMGOGMGOMG PO BOYS DDROOOOL.” Sure enough, New Orleans is awash (hehehe) in Po Boys, their version of a Hoagie/Grinder/Sub/Whatever. From reading entirely too much on the matter, I came to find that the only functional difference between a Po Boy and any other sandwich/sub on Earth is the use of French bread – which is actually great, since the crust is nice and crisp while the inside is soft. Wonderful for sandwiches without a lot of runny toppings, but in the event that you throw on some gravy fries (as I did) onto your sandwich, you’re gonna end up with a really soggy mess on the bottom.

Case in point: the Ferdi. This rather famous sandwich prepared by Mother’s Restaurant comes on French bread with baked ham, roast beef, debris (in gravy), shredded cabbage, creole mustard and mayo. To be certain, it’s one of the best sandwiches ever and I’d eat an entire plate of debris by itself. But the gravy goes straight to the bottom of the bread and causes it to disintegrate, leaving you with a pile of stuff to eat.

Then again, if you’re like me you’ll eat the whole thing in 2 minutes flat and not have to worry about it. Yeaaaah buddy.

Furthermore, it also seems like the most popular thing to do for 99% of all restaurants serving Po Boys around town is to pile them to the ceiling with fried seafood. Fried oysters, fried shrimp, fried gator tails, fried catfish, fried crawdads, fried fries, it goes on like that for a while (but no fired clams, surprisingly!). It actually begs the question: Why doesn’t Baltimore do this? We’re pretty obsessed with seafood on the whole and I rarely see fried insert seafood here subs around town. Come to think of it, a lake trout Po Boy would be pretty awesome…

To the point, you can’t go anywhere in New Orleans without tripping over a Po Boy. They’re everywhere. Most places do a serviceable job of putting together a nice sandwich for you but real trick is finding the best ones – much like finding a decent deli pretty much anywhere, anymore. So if you go, try Domilese’s, Mother’s, or Sugar Shack. You won’t be disappointed!

…and for an honorable mention try Tomatillo’s for their “niño pobre,” which is basically just a wrap but they were pretty awesome folks and have live music (including a rockabilly version of “When The Saints go Marching In”) often times.

New Orleans: A food commentary – Part 1

A week or so ago I had the pain/pleasure of spending some time in New Orleans during what must have been the coldest four day period in the history of New Orleans, with the exception of the last ice age (maybe). And since walking around the Garden District seemed less appealing in freezing rain, I ate. And ate and ate and ate. Here’s some of what I ate.

Breakfast in New Orleans

First and easiest of all, Cafe Du Monde. Every single tourist in the city can be found there every morning and it’s not hard to figure out why; they serve two things – coffee and doughnuts. I don’t know when the Cafe decided to start calling them beignets officially but I’m guessing it has something to do with the place being house within “The original French Market.” Regardless, I found photographic evidence that they did in fact used to just call them “Doughnuts.”

All this aside, realistically beignets are remarkably similar in every way imaginable to one food thing in particular: FUNNEL CAKE. They taste the exact same and have the exact same consistency. So from now on, I will refer to Cafe Du Monde as “That funnel cake place.” And so should you.

Fortunately, if coffee and funnel cake isn’t your thing there are plenty of places to grab a full service breakfast in the Crescent City. My favorite place for a regular ol’ breakfast turned out to be Daisy Dukes, a 24/7 diner type place with a pretty awesome breakfast menu, including a cajun omelet (pictured, with sausage/onion/parsley/tomato/paprika/black pepper) with all the fixins for $8.95 – not too shabby.

And of course, the holy grail of all breakfast experiences in New Orleans is the vaunted Jazz Brunch. There are numerous, numerous places to enjoy a decent Sunday brunch with some hoppin’ jazz music, but after much deliberation I settled on a place called Buffa’s Lounge, a fairly low key locals bar with a Jazz Brunch featuring a special menu every week. The folks there are super friendly and make some fantastic home cooked meals. For more PR, check out their video for a bit of the experience!

So that’s some of what you can expect from breakfast in New Orleans. Stay tuned for part 2!!

Nacho Quest 2009 – The Nacho Manifesto

After a mere 24 hours of attempting to scientifically determine who has the greatest nachos in the Baltimore area, it has become apparent that a number of qualities, exceptions, and/or ground need to be established as to what will and will most certainly not win points in the “Yeah these are good nachos” column. Obviously a stringent set of Nacho Laws must be a living, breathing work in process; given that, I present the beginnings of what will be the gold standard by which all nachos are judged.

THE NACHO MANIFESTO

The base of the nachos must be chips – it can be any kind of corn chip, soy chip, or god forbid root vegetable chip. Despite their high level of awesomeness, waffle fries with nacho toppings are still just cheese fries with vegetables.
The chips absolutely must have toppings other than just cheese – movie nachos are not real nachos.
If the establishment in question issues the practice of presenting a huge pile of nachos with a layer of toppings ONLY on the top with a core of untouched chips, more than likely they will not make the cut in terms of quality.
Despite the fact that meat is undoubtedly capable of making a plate of nachos truly special, it is not a necessity. Totally rockin’ nachos can stand on their own with the perfect blend of cheeses, jalapenos, pico and whatever other toppings the artisan deems worthy.

…more to come. like I said, living breathing work in process.

NachoQuest 2009 – ALPHA

Mankind has always endeavored upon the noblest of causes: clean burning energy, environmental protection, penis enlargement creams, breast enlargement creams, that kind of thing. Today I announce my intent to contribute my services to the pantheon of Makind’s legacy and discover once and forever – where can Baltimore’s best nachos be found?

Truly this is a noble cause, as nachos are quite simply the raddest bar food imaginable. Cheesy, sloppy, piping hot nachos with jalapenos, meat, lettuce tomato and 76 kinds of cheese are the stuff that the most mouthwatering dreams are made of. And the internet may provide a few answers here and there, people may tell you anecdotes about how rockin’ the nachos were over at Holy Frijoles, but I’m a PhD in Nachoology and I am more than utterly qualified to decide which nachos served in Baltimore are the best.

Now, this is going to take some time. I cannot possible eat ten plates of nachos over the course of a single weekend, and I will require suggestions from you dear readers. So if you think you know where the best nachos in Baltimore are served, please feel free to suggest it via email or commentation. Otherwise, hold onto your butts kids. It’s NachoQuest 2009.

H-Mart RULES

I love H-Mart. It rules. It rules.

The Korean supermarket (800 N Rolling Rd, Catonsville, MD) is a busy, busy place to buy your groceries. But for the production and the experience, it’s worth every set of ten minutes you’ll have to wait in line to buy them. The prices are low, the produce is fresh and vibrant, the entire place is put together so well that everywhere you turn it’s a symphony of colors. If for no other reason than to stare at gigantic root vegetables and admire the colorful array of odd canned foods (like baby silk worm, for instance) you should go to H-Mart. If for no other reason than to admire the pristine, insanely fresh seafood section, you should go to H-Mart.

And most definitely, without question, check out the food court next door. For $10.95, they offer all you can eat sushi and a Korean buffet from 12-3pm on weekdays. It’s awesome. AWESOME.

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BARF…I mean, let me try that

Whilst engaged in an online discussion regarding gross soft drinks, the usual suspects of seasonal Mountain Dew flavors versus Mr. Pibb XTREME were thrown around, until someone dropped a big, fat, curious bombshell:

Yes friends, if your eyes are working properly you are seeing the same thing that I did; the unholy union of Budweiser Brand beers and Clamato.

CHELADA.

After stifling a dry heave, I decided to look into this seemingly nightmarish drink idea and sure enough, dated January 14th 2008, the fine folks at Anheuser-Busch put out a press release announcing their triumphant foray into the world of…. latin-themed drinks. Apparently, “Chelada” is like a Mexican’s drinkable BFF.

The press release is a true gem of industry-speak in motion, observe:

The name Chelada is a shortened form of the Spanish word michelada which loosely translates to ‘my cold beer.’ To order Budweiser or Bud Light & Clamato Chelada, one might say: “Una michelada con clamato, por favor.” To shorten that but still keep the beer recognizable as the traditional recipe, Anheuser-Busch focused on the name Chelada.

“One look at the can and you know that this beer is the real thing – Budweiser and Bud Light mixed with authentic Clamato,” Vitrano said. “This is a savory beer that will appeal to adult beer drinkers, particularly those who enjoy beer mixed with Clamato.”

That last sentence is fucking hysterical.

At any rate, I electronically saunter over to wikipedia and find that yes, in fact, Michelada is a real drink made by real Mexicans. Having read the full list of ingredients provided, the immediate words out of my mouth were “It’s a ghetto bloody mary.”

Michelada Recipe (thanks Wikipedia)
Into a chilled salt-rimmed mug or glass pour 325 mL (12 fl. oz.) of tomato juice or Clamato. Clamato is becoming more common.

* A few drops of hot sauce, such as Valentina, Bufalo or McIlhenny’s Tabasco sauce.
* A few drops of Worcestershire sauce
* A few drops of Maggi seasoning or soy sauce.
* Squeeze a lime wedge (lemon would neither be strong nor sour enough).
* Mix the ingredients in the glass.
* Slowly add one 325 mL (12 Fl. oz.) Mexican beer (preferably a light beer like Tecate or Dos Equis)

And as I read about this savory beer, this once revolting concept, a certain curiosity overwhelms me…. I have to try this shit. I’m going to try this shit.

YEAAAAAAH BUDDY

The City That Feeds

The Baltimore culinary landscape – without big words.