Miracle Whip – Are you awesome enough?

For almost a year now, I’ve been marveling at Kraft’s relatively new Miracle Whip campaign – “Don’t be so Mayo.” The “hey guys be hip and individualistic by eating light mayonnaise” approach is …mind boggling, even during last October’s lamer than hell “Colbert vs. Miracle Whip” mini-campaign, the Colbert Bump couldn’t save Miracle Whip from looking as though it was trying far too hard to reinvent itself, impotently failing at making their zingy salad dressing look awesome enough to start a water balloon fight at a rooftop dance party (See below – Colbert previously and successfully made fun of Kraft for their hilariously awful commercial for crumbled cheese). At any rate, if you don’t know anything at all about what I’m talking about, check out Kraft’s plea to the young, hip, urban, vivacious salad eater in you:

And up until last week, Kraft was very happy to rest on its chic laurels; it had put out the message that zingy salad dressings are totally cool and mayonnaise is totally not cool, but something wasn’t quite… cool enough. Awesome enough. Something was just too… Plain. Too Mayo.

XTREME

 Cue a plucky young genius art director at Kraft Foods, who raises his finger in the air and exclaims “SHIT YES! LET’S TILT THE LOGO AND ABBREVIATE IT!!” …And M to the W was born. For those not in the know, the simplest and greatest way to make any product or logo more modern and hip is to abbreviate and/or rotate the logo as much as possible. Reversing the process then renders it “retro” or “throwback.” Which ultimately is brilliant, as it renders the need for actually coming up with new designs unnecessary.

Congrats, Miracle Whip!
04/05/2010 | Evan | Tags: , , | 5 Comments »

Shouldn’t We All Smell Like Hamburgers? Requiem

The short answer to this question is no, no we should not smell like hamburgers. After the holidays, I found in my mailbox the Burger King Flame “body spray” that I ordered some time ago and thought “heh.” It comes in a tiny bottle much like the bottle in the picture, in fact it’s almost actual size in the picture depending on your monitor, and with due diligence I sprayed as bit on my wrist.

Let’s just say it doesn’t exactly smell like hamburgers, or really much of anything at all except for the cheapest, crappiest cologne imaginable. Every. Single. Person. That has smelled this stuff has likened it to Sex Panther at some point in their reaction to it, without exception.

To make matters really much worse, the bottle leaks slightly and while holding this demon concoction in my pocket, it got all over my hand and I’m pretty sure I can still smell it, almost 24 hours and several hand washings later. No bones about it, this stuff is not good. It got to the point last night where some friends and I were pranking each other unfortunate bar patrons (inadvertently) by spraying one another during fake hugout sessions, effectively ruining our chances of being normal parts of society for the time being. This crap is truly abhorrent.

In close, while Burger King may have the occasional stroke of brilliance with their advertising schemes, they really ought not to try body sprays again. Please, really. For all of us.

01/07/2009 | Evan | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments »

Shouldn’t we all smell like hamburgers?

Burger King has always been the king of Whoppers, as well as stupid and weird advertising ploys. Well, they seem to have totally gone over the deep end this time with the creation of Flame body spray, a body spray infused with the essence of flame broiled hamburger. Or something. The website for Flame is decidedly bizarre, and the product is only sold in one place, Ricky’s Halloween Costume Superstore in NYC.

And if this idea for a product seems even the slightest bit amusing to you, you should check out the reviews featured on the listing, some of them are outright hilarious. Good times. Observe:

Sweet Jesus I’m getting laid like crazy December 18, 2008
Reviewer: Chick Magnet from Hades, AL United States

At first I was a little wary of your product, I mean, I’ve tried other things to help maintain my “chick magnet” status, such as the infamous “wolf sweater” or maybe just a pair of hot pants, but I really was missing the ultimate compliment to my attire, the Whopper Flame.  Now the ladies literally want to eat me, literally….if only they had the fry vat body spray as I’m tired of wearing 5 hour old “Big Mac special sauce deodorant” wearing off and smelling like milk left in the sun for 3 days.  It’s folks who create stuff like this that are the “real men of genius.”
Mantastic! December 15, 2008
Reviewer: Frank Reynolds from Philadelphia, PA

After viewing the commercial, I knew this spray had to be mine.  Once received, I engulfed my less than satisfactory body with your cow meat scent. At first, I was discouraged because the neighborhood dogs started chasing me as if they were in heat.  I made it inside just in time.  Soon after, my girlfriend came over. I was skeptical at first, but when she appeared from the kitchen, double fisting ketchup bottles, I knew I was golden.  Her love of hamburgers had finally worked out to my advantage. It was the first time she let me put my “hamburger” in her “bun.”  That night, she had it her way; I gave her the best Whopper she’s ever had, and that’s saying a lot.

Hilarious. And, as fate would have it, I just so happen to have snagged two of the last remaining bottles. The weird stuff is currently sold out, and I for one cannot wait to smell the sweet, sweet odor of burger magic all the time. Expect a review as soon as superhumanly possible.

Oh and Ladies, you’ve been put on notice.

12/20/2008 | Evan | Tags: , , , | No Comments »

*BARF*…I mean, let me try that

Whilst engaged in an online discussion regarding gross soft drinks, the usual suspects of seasonal Mountain Dew flavors versus Mr. Pibb XTREME were thrown around, until someone dropped a big, fat, curious bombshell:

Yes friends, if your eyes are working properly you are seeing the same thing that I did; the unholy union of Budweiser Brand beers and Clamato.

CHELADA.

After stifling a dry heave, I decided to look into this seemingly nightmarish drink idea and sure enough, dated January 14th 2008, the fine folks at Anheuser-Busch put out a press release announcing their triumphant foray into the world of…. latin-themed drinks. Apparently, “Chelada” is like a Mexican’s drinkable BFF.

The press release is a true gem of industry-speak in motion, observe:

The name Chelada is a shortened form of the Spanish word michelada which loosely translates to ‘my cold beer.’ To order Budweiser or Bud Light & Clamato Chelada, one might say: “Una michelada con clamato, por favor.” To shorten that but still keep the beer recognizable as the traditional recipe, Anheuser-Busch focused on the name Chelada.

“One look at the can and you know that this beer is the real thing – Budweiser and Bud Light mixed with authentic Clamato,” Vitrano said. “This is a savory beer that will appeal to adult beer drinkers, particularly those who enjoy beer mixed with Clamato.”

That last sentence is fucking hysterical.

At any rate, I electronically saunter over to wikipedia and find that yes, in fact, Michelada is a real drink made by real Mexicans. Having read the full list of ingredients provided, the immediate words out of my mouth were “It’s a ghetto bloody mary.”

Michelada Recipe (thanks Wikipedia)
Into a chilled salt-rimmed mug or glass pour 325 mL (12 fl. oz.) of tomato juice or Clamato. Clamato is becoming more common.

* A few drops of hot sauce, such as Valentina, Bufalo or McIlhenny’s Tabasco sauce.
* A few drops of Worcestershire sauce
* A few drops of Maggi seasoning or soy sauce.
* Squeeze a lime wedge (lemon would neither be strong nor sour enough).
* Mix the ingredients in the glass.
* Slowly add one 325 mL (12 Fl. oz.) Mexican beer (preferably a light beer like Tecate or Dos Equis)

And as I read about this savory beer, this once revolting concept, a certain curiosity overwhelms me…. I have to try this shit. I’m going to try this shit.

YEAAAAAAH BUDDY

09/24/2008 | Evan | Tags: , , , , | 5 Comments »