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Ahhhh Quiznos, it has been a minute since I made fun of your products or advertising campaigns. And with this new “Choose 2 for 5″ deal (which actually ain’t bad, kudos) with the slogan “Give up lunch monogamy! …One is Dumb! Two is TOASTY!” you can be sure that my habit of serial monogamy with regard to lunch food will soon come to an end. Thanks guys! Keep up the creative genius!! |
The City That Feeds
The Baltimore culinary landscape – without big words.
| Alright Quiznos, you’re on the shit list. The last time I ate a sub at one of your franchises, it was a pile of poo poo pee pee, these new Torpedo sandwiches are laughable, and now THIS?!? |  |
Hell, Quiznos ads used to be sort of catchy (if not creepy) – little mice in outfits singing ridiculous songs and what not – now we’re down to a suggestively sexual toaster oven and a reference to a scat-eating video popularized by the internet?
I mean this video isn’t even funny or clever OR sexy, it’s literally just two girls “erotically” eating a Toasty Torpedo and making a mess of it. It does not in any way shape or form make me want to eat one of those stupid sandwiches. With pewp like this, it’s no wonder Subway is slaughtering Quizno’s in the franchise wars.
Here, I hope you like crap (slightly NSFW):
QUIIIZZZZNNOOOOOOOOSS!!! 
| Jesus tapdancing christ, Burger King just doesn’t quit do they. Now you can install a Facebook application which beckons you to unfriend 10 people for a free Whopper. Most people I know have waaaaaaaaay too many friends on Facebook so this is probably something they can take advantage of. I happen to be one of those rarities that actually knows 99.9% of my Facebook friends, so I won’t be taking advantage. DON’T UNFRIEND ME OK |  |
The short answer to this question is no, no we should not smell like hamburgers. After the holidays, I found in my mailbox the Burger King Flame “body spray” that I ordered some time ago and thought “heh.” It comes in a tiny bottle much like the bottle in the picture, in fact it’s almost actual size in the picture depending on your monitor, and with due diligence I sprayed as bit on my wrist.
Let’s just say it doesn’t exactly smell like hamburgers, or really much of anything at all except for the cheapest, crappiest cologne imaginable. Every. Single. Person. That has smelled this stuff has likened it to Sex Panther at some point in their reaction to it, without exception.
To make matters really much worse, the bottle leaks slightly and while holding this demon concoction in my pocket, it got all over my hand and I’m pretty sure I can still smell it, almost 24 hours and several hand washings later. No bones about it, this stuff is not good. It got to the point last night where some friends and I were pranking each other unfortunate bar patrons (inadvertently) by spraying one another during fake hugout sessions, effectively ruining our chances of being normal parts of society for the time being. This crap is truly abhorrent.
In close, while Burger King may have the occasional stroke of brilliance with their advertising schemes, they really ought not to try body sprays again. Please, really. For all of us.
| The McRib is a very curious sandwich. The mere mention of McRib, in conversation or when heard in any number of “THE MCRIB IS BACK!!!” commercials brings forth some sort of weird, unfounded glee.Which is weird, considering it’s really just a gross rib-shaped pork patty slathered in… delicious… BBQ sauce… with pickles and onions on a hogie style bun OH GOD I NEED ONE RIGHT NOW!
Fortunately, for those of us who desire the McRib and it’s crack-like qualities. There’s the McRib Locator, an rather ingenious use of Google Maps created by some guy who just seems to love McRibs. |
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That in and of itself is pretty amazing, but for me what makes the McRib mostly interesting is just what was said earlier; it evokes this weird sort of interest every time I hear about it. And oddly enough, it’s probably because they keep “getting rid of it” and then “bringing it back” for a promotional period every so often. According to the McRib’s wikipedia page (what?), it’s all been just a huge marketing ploy. At some point in time, the bigwig mucketymucks at McD Corp. realized that the McRib sells at its very best when it’s not a regular part of the menu, so they launch stupid ad campaigns and fake “SAVE THE MCRIB” petitions on websites that seem to change every year or so. The current incarnation of the online home for the McRib (http://www.mcrib.com – this single menu item even has its own website) features a ridiculous DJ that sings to you about how good the McRib is and provides a bunch of links to songs about the McRib on Pandora, a rather cheap cross promotion.
But I digress, McRibs remain awesome, so get out there and find a McRib, enjoy it, and revel in its unique position as the sandwich version of a stepchild that never quite fit in, but was pretty popular for a little while every time he showed up to a party.
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