Let’s say you’re driving around Baltimore in your Yaris or something, it’s 6pm and you’re stuck on St. Paul headed toward Light St. and those goddamn people who keep blocking the box are holding up absolutely everything. You glance out of your driver’s side window and note the presence of Cardboard Guy, and then it hits you like a sack of kittens – “DAAAAAAAAYAMN! I WANT NACHOS!” Well, fortunately you’re an intrepid yuppie, and you’ve already gone ahead and bookmarked the one, the only Google Map companion to NachoQuest on your BlackBerry Storm 9500
. Kickass, block rockin’ nachos are but a few screen touches and another 77 minutes in traffic away. Enjoy!
(direct link)
View NachoQuest 2009 in a larger map
| It recently occurred to me that South Baltimore is becoming a helluva decent place to go for crabs. And it rules.
LP Steamers in Locust Point has some of the finest mumbo jimmies around at decent prices, they’ve been an institution for quite a while. Steamers is about as old school Baltimore as you can get and I love it. Meanwhile, over in the bustling Cross St. corridor Ryleigh’s Oyster has been running a “Shore Night” every Tuesday in season featuring $2 mediums and corn on the cob slathered in a feta/old bay/mayo spread that defies your mouth’s logic – it really is insanely tasty (and horrible for you). |
 LP Steamers |
And apparently, Nobles on Charles St. has started serving $2 crabs as well, on Saturday evenings. Next door in Cross St. Market, Nicks’ Inner Harbor Seafood serves steam to order crabs at market prices, plus giant beers during happy hour – 32 oz. tubs for $5. I’ve definitely had quite a few of those, far more than I’ve had crabs there.
 Don't Know Tavern |
Not be outdone, two newer establishments have begun serving crabs in season. Taps Baltimore now serves $2 crabs on Sundays, and right around the corner Don’t Know Tavern started serving $2 #1’s (and possibly jumbos in the future) just yesterday, with plans to serve them every Saturday. |
One of South Baltimore’s more venerable institutions, Bill’s Lighthouse Inn, serves crabs year round and has an amazingly cheap menu with huge portions. If you’re looking for an old school Baltimore restaurant experience, Bill’s is right up there with LP Steamers, with a wider selection on the menu. And if you’re willing to make the trip (like 8 blocks) over to the Hanover St. bridge, Nick’s Fish House serves crabs with a waterfront view, and live music on the outside deck. Nick’s gets packed during the season however, so be forewarned.
And finally, here’s a Google Map of all of them! (more to be added later… as I remember them)
| Mankind has always endeavored upon the noblest of causes: clean burning energy, environmental protection, penis enlargement creams, breast enlargement creams, that kind of thing. Today I announce my intent to contribute my services to the pantheon of Makind’s legacy and discover once and forever – where can Baltimore’s best nachos be found?
Truly this is a noble cause, as nachos are quite simply the raddest bar food imaginable. Cheesy, sloppy, piping hot nachos with jalapenos, meat, lettuce tomato and 76 kinds of cheese are the stuff that the most mouthwatering dreams are made of. And the internet may provide a few answers here and there, people may tell you anecdotes about how rockin’ the nachos were over at Holy Frijoles, but I’m a PhD in Nachoology and I am more than utterly qualified to decide which nachos served in Baltimore are the best. |
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Now, this is going to take some time. I cannot possible eat ten plates of nachos over the course of a single weekend, and I will require suggestions from you dear readers. So if you think you know where the best nachos in Baltimore are served, please feel free to suggest it via email or commentation. Otherwise, hold onto your butts kids. It’s NachoQuest 2009.
| The Bacon and Beer Happy Hour IV has come and gone and it was a pretty great time indeed. For a bar that has essentially made a name for itself solely through Tweeting frequently, Bad Decisions has really done a fine job of generating a ton of interest in their events and establishment in general, this particular event especially. The place was packed by 7pm and it was still packed when I left, having a grande olde time eating entirely too much bacon and drinking cheap beer. |
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And when I say entirely too much bacon, I mean entirely too much bacon; instead of pretzels in baskets, they put out baskets of bacon as snacks. Each and every menu item had bacon in it (a lot of bacon) – I played it safe with a grilled cheese and bacon but other sandwiches, such as the GBLT (a BLT with Guacamole) were piled enormously high with the smokey goodness.
And no evening featuring all things bacon would be complete without a star, a bright shining star that eclipses all other food items, a truly epic piece of food destined to destroy us all in a white hot supernova. That food item is known as The Gutbuster, and it is truly horrifying. The Gutbuster is a double bacon cheesburger with – are you ready for this – two bacon grilled cheese sandwiches as a bun (no lettuce or tomato, that shit’s for pussies). Yeah. This thing was like a Hollywood star on the red carpet when it came out of the kitchen. Pictures being shot left and right, ooohs and aaahs and gags all around. Upon taking his first bite, one guy stated “it’s like I’ve been slimed!” as grease and butter covered his chin. But he ate the whole thing, and then ate a plate of nachos. Unreal. (I also submitted it to This Is Why You’re Fat)
People were met, beer and bacon vodka were consumed, it was great. Can’t wait for the next one!
LIGHTING EDIT: For tons of really really good pictures of the event, head here.
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Spammy Hormel enjoys a gutbuster (with nachos)
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Gutbuster Consumption
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The Gutbuster
I love H-Mart. It rules. It rules.
The Korean supermarket (800 N Rolling Rd, Catonsville, MD) is a busy, busy place to buy your groceries. But for the production and the experience, it’s worth every set of ten minutes you’ll have to wait in line to buy them. The prices are low, the produce is fresh and vibrant, the entire place is put together so well that everywhere you turn it’s a symphony of colors. If for no other reason than to stare at gigantic root vegetables and admire the colorful array of odd canned foods (like baby silk worm, for instance) you should go to H-Mart. If for no other reason than to admire the pristine, insanely fresh seafood section, you should go to H-Mart.
And most definitely, without question, check out the food court next door. For $10.95, they offer all you can eat sushi and a Korean buffet from 12-3pm on weekdays. It’s awesome. AWESOME.
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Burger King has always been the king of Whoppers, as well as stupid and weird advertising ploys. Well, they seem to have totally gone over the deep end this time with the creation of Flame body spray, a body spray infused with the essence of flame broiled hamburger. Or something. The website for Flame is decidedly bizarre, and the product is only sold in one place, Ricky’s Halloween Costume Superstore in NYC. |
And if this idea for a product seems even the slightest bit amusing to you, you should check out the reviews featured on the listing, some of them are outright hilarious. Good times. Observe:
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 Sweet Jesus I’m getting laid like crazy |
December 18, 2008 |
| Reviewer: Chick Magnet from Hades, AL United States |
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At first I was a little wary of your product, I mean, I’ve tried other things to help maintain my “chick magnet” status, such as the infamous “wolf sweater” or maybe just a pair of hot pants, but I really was missing the ultimate compliment to my attire, the Whopper Flame. Now the ladies literally want to eat me, literally….if only they had the fry vat body spray as I’m tired of wearing 5 hour old “Big Mac special sauce deodorant” wearing off and smelling like milk left in the sun for 3 days. It’s folks who create stuff like this that are the “real men of genius.” |
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| Mantastic! |
December 15, 2008 |
| Reviewer: Frank Reynolds from Philadelphia, PA |
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After viewing the commercial, I knew this spray had to be mine. Once received, I engulfed my less than satisfactory body with your cow meat scent. At first, I was discouraged because the neighborhood dogs started chasing me as if they were in heat. I made it inside just in time. Soon after, my girlfriend came over. I was skeptical at first, but when she appeared from the kitchen, double fisting ketchup bottles, I knew I was golden. Her love of hamburgers had finally worked out to my advantage. It was the first time she let me put my “hamburger” in her “bun.” That night, she had it her way; I gave her the best Whopper she’s ever had, and that’s saying a lot. |
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Hilarious. And, as fate would have it, I just so happen to have snagged two of the last remaining bottles. The weird stuff is currently sold out, and I for one cannot wait to smell the sweet, sweet odor of burger magic all the time. Expect a review as soon as superhumanly possible.
Oh and Ladies, you’ve been put on notice.
