For almost a year now, I’ve been marveling at Kraft’s relatively new Miracle Whip campaign – “Don’t be so Mayo.” The “hey guys be hip and individualistic by eating light mayonnaise” approach is …mind boggling, even during last October’s lamer than hell “Colbert vs. Miracle Whip” mini-campaign, the Colbert Bump couldn’t save Miracle Whip from looking as though it was trying far too hard to reinvent itself, impotently failing at making their zingy salad dressing look awesome enough to start a water balloon fight at a rooftop dance party (See below – Colbert previously and successfully made fun of Kraft for their hilariously awful commercial for crumbled cheese). At any rate, if you don’t know anything at all about what I’m talking about, check out Kraft’s plea to the young, hip, urban, vivacious salad eater in you:
And up until last week, Kraft was very happy to rest on its chic laurels; it had put out the message that zingy salad dressings are totally cool and mayonnaise is totally not cool, but something wasn’t quite… cool enough. Awesome enough. Something was just too… Plain. Too Mayo.
XTREME
Cue a plucky young genius art director at Kraft Foods, who raises his finger in the air and exclaims “SHIT YES! LET’S TILT THE LOGO AND ABBREVIATE IT!!” …And M to the W was born. For those not in the know, the simplest and greatest way to make any product or logo more modern and hip is to abbreviate and/or rotate the logo as much as possible. Reversing the process then renders it “retro” or “throwback.” Which ultimately is brilliant, as it renders the need for actually coming up with new designs unnecessary.
Ahhhh Quiznos, it has been a minute since I made fun of your products or advertising campaigns. And with this new “Choose 2 for 5″ deal (which actually ain’t bad, kudos) with the slogan “Give up lunch monogamy! …One is Dumb! Two is TOASTY!” you can be sure that my habit of serial monogamy with regard to lunch food will soon come to an end. Thanks guys! Keep up the creative genius!!
Alright Quiznos, you’re on the shit list. The last time I ate a sub at one of your franchises, it was a pile of poo poo pee pee, these new Torpedo sandwiches are laughable, and now THIS?!?
Hell, Quiznos ads used to be sort of catchy (if not creepy) – little mice in outfits singing ridiculous songs and what not – now we’re down to a suggestively sexual toaster oven and a reference to a scat-eating video popularized by the internet?
I mean this video isn’t even funny or clever OR sexy, it’s literally just two girls “erotically” eating a Toasty Torpedo and making a mess of it. It does not in any way shape or form make me want to eat one of those stupid sandwiches. With pewp like this, it’s no wonder Subway is slaughtering Quizno’s in the franchise wars.
Here, I hope you like crap (slightly NSFW):
QUIIIZZZZNNOOOOOOOOSS!!!
I mean, I enjoy Quiznos subs and all, despite the fact that they make it …difficult to find their nutrition information (in that, there is no comprehensive list of their data anywhere except via 3rd party sites) and their commercials have been historically ssstupid, but their newest venture has the one-two punch of being pretty lame and soundingsuper lame.
Duuuumb
Yup, you too can be one of the first to try a Toasty…. Torpedo. Torpedo. Coz like, a sub is too big, you know? And torpedoes are weapons shot out of subs, right? So this is like the weaponized version of a sandwich that got shot out of a larger mother sandwich. AWESOME.
Soak it in folks, this is the future of food. Slim, sleek bread (smaller size) and over a foot long (with less meat)! For only $4 – which by my count is a full dollar less than those jokers over at Subway who keep trying that $5 footlong gimmick – I mean, what a fad, am I right? Truly new and innovative – and ciabatta bread is soooooo fancy! I hear they even had it at Wendy’s at some point!
TORPEDO.
UPDATE!!! (2009-04-08) – Due to something of a “Search Engine Demand,” I have decided to put together the nutrition information for all of Quizno’s Toasty Torpedos and assemble it into a handy .pdf format – enjoy!!
(I would recommend avoiding the Big Kahuna Tuna sandwich)
Except now they’re called “Burger Shots.” Tiny little burgers in packs of three or six, more than likely you could eat them all in one mouthful. So basically, you get the equivalent of two burgers with twice the bread AND the cost!
Also Burger Shots? Pretty lame name if you ask me, especially considering they were “Burger Bundles” in 1987, and then “Burger Buddies” in the 90s. I suppose in another 8-10 years they’ll be “Burger Drops” or “Burger Flying Cars” or whatever timely rehash name they give them. Eh anyway, enjoy the timeline of rebranding!
Burger Bundles:
Burger Buddies:
Burger Shots:
FILE NOT FOUND – Burger King is apparently being dickholes and not allowing anyone to save the current iteration’s commercials to Youtube. Dicks. You can however find the commercial by going here.
Jesus tapdancing christ, Burger King just doesn’t quit do they. Now you can install a Facebook application which beckons you to unfriend 10 people for a free Whopper. Most people I know have waaaaaaaaay too many friends on Facebook so this is probably something they can take advantage of. I happen to be one of those rarities that actually knows 99.9% of my Facebook friends, so I won’t be taking advantage. DON’T UNFRIEND ME OK
The short answer to this question is no, no we should not smell like hamburgers. After the holidays, I found in my mailbox the Burger King Flame “body spray” that I ordered some time ago and thought “heh.” It comes in a tiny bottle much like the bottle in the picture, in fact it’s almost actual size in the picture depending on your monitor, and with due diligence I sprayed as bit on my wrist.
Let’s just say it doesn’t exactly smell like hamburgers, or really much of anything at all except for the cheapest, crappiest cologne imaginable. Every. Single. Person. That has smelled this stuff has likened it to Sex Panther at some point in their reaction to it, without exception.
To make matters really much worse, the bottle leaks slightly and while holding this demon concoction in my pocket, it got all over my hand and I’m pretty sure I can still smell it, almost 24 hours and several hand washings later. No bones about it, this stuff is not good. It got to the point last night where some friends and I were pranking each other unfortunate bar patrons (inadvertently) by spraying one another during fake hugout sessions, effectively ruining our chances of being normal parts of society for the time being. This crap is truly abhorrent.
In close, while Burger King may have the occasionalstroke ofbrilliance with their advertising schemes, they really ought not to try body sprays again. Please, really. For all of us.
